From various aspects our society is suffering from crises at this time. We are facing various problems economically, socially, politically, and religiously. But many of these problems are created by ourselves. The primary issue among them is family disputes. These daily disputes usually arise concerning the husband, wife, and mother-in-law. Their severity is devastating in many ways. First, they destroy the peace of mind of all family members; as a result, other life matters also get affected. When these quarrels prolong and become a daily routine, they have severe psychological effects on the children. Those effects chase them their entire life. When families (husband and wife) get separated due to such quarrels, the lives of each concerned person are severely affected. Therefore, I want to discuss this issue in detail in today’s meeting.
Let me clarify that it is impossible to say anything in principle about the quarrel that arises in a particular house. The reason is that the matters of every place are different. Each person is different in terms of his training, habit, and nature. Therefore, nothing principled can be supposed about the cause of the quarrel. But there are some features in common which, if taken care of, can prevent matters from worsening.
Adjustment training
Generally, such problems start soon after marriage in our society. The reason for this is to ignore a basic fact. In our social background, a girl has to leave her home and go to her in-laws’ home after marriage. For a girl, it is the beginning of a new life. She has dreams of her own home in her mind. But the reality is that the girl is considered more daughter-in-law than a man’s wife in another family. How much undesirable this may be, it is a social reality in our country.
It means the girl is not starting a new life with her husband but becoming part of a new family. This family has specific ways of meeting, giving, and receiving. They have a distinct social circle—a different form of living, eating, drinking, and handling matters. Even if the newlywed girl is a relative, she often comes from a changed background. Now, if the girl understands this fact and tries to adjust to the new situation, there is not much problem. But as soon as she ignores this fact and tries to live her own life, then quarrels and riots become unavoidable.
It is a basic fact that every parent should let their daughter know that our society is not like the Western or Arab society where a boy and a girl start their own life after marriage. In our community, a girl should be able to adjust to her husband’s and in-laws’ ways. The girl leads a very successful life who understands it.
Daughter and daughter-in-law
If an adjustment is the responsibility of the newlywed girl, then in-laws should still remember that this girl has left her home and relatives and come to the new house with the idea of a new life. It is inappropriate to hold her accountable immediately. She should have a chance to adjust to the current situation. During this time, she may make mistakes, be forgetful, and may have ended with some disliked matters, but she should get a concession.
Unfortunately, this is not often the case with us. Generally, a mother-in-law has gone through bad situations by herself. She has not seen any positive things from her in-laws. So she wants the same for her daughter-in-law. On the contrary, since time has moved forward twenty to twenty-five years, the new daughter-in-law resists very strongly against her mother-in-law, and fights start.
For example, if a woman is not allowed to visit her paternal home by her mother-in-law, then that woman often repeats the same behavior with her daughter-in-law. Similarly, if she had to carry all the workload, she also does the same with her daughter-in-law. Although there is another side to looking at this problem, what happened to that woman was wrong for her at that time, then after two decades, it would be more undesirable for this new-age girl. The most significant thing that should be considered is that in our country, women set different standards for daughters and daughters-in-law. Our beloved Prophet says that what you like for yourself, choose the same for your brothers. If women keep this saying in mind, they will know that whatever they wish for their daughter, they should like it for their daughter-in-law. If they or their daughters suffered any abuse, injustice, ridicule, the grief of separation from their parents, or the shock of their husband’s betrayal, then that newlywed girl has no fault, and she should not be the victim of their sorrows. Instead, their responsibility is to start a better tradition by treating her well.
Everyone has to share
A man becomes a major cause of domestic disputes, the husband of one woman and the son or brother of another for a long time. The reason for the conflict is who has more rights over that man, wife’s or mother’s. The only solution to this problem is that everyone should sacrifice a little bit. The girl should know that the boy who has become her husband today is the son of another woman and someone else’s brother. They have raised and taught him. That’s why the rights of those people over this person are very high. That’s why she should never object to them. Similarly, in-laws should also remember that husband and wife have privacy; always keeping them under their watch, trying to separate the husband from the wife, and interfering in their personal affairs are unnatural; the consequences of which don’t turn out well.
In the same way, children’s issues also cause disagreements. New girls want to raise their children their way, and older women consider their experiences, likes, and dislike more effective. The grandmother pampers, and the mother thinks that the child is getting spoiled. The mother beats the child for some reason, and the grandmother considers it cruel. The solution is not easy because everyone thinks they have more rights than others. The important thing is that each party should accept the other’s rights and adjust accordingly.
Disagreement between husband and wife
It often happens that the moods and habits of the husband and wife do not match, so both become the real parties of the dispute. One of the reasons for this is that instead of taking sides, the boy’s mother and sisters put the gun on the boy’s shoulder and try to shoot. They complain about the girl, count her faults, and cry about her excesses in front of him. In the same way, the wife also opens the door to complaints in front of the husband. If the boy defends his parents and siblings, then again quarrel starts.
Besides, a love marriage usually produces differences between husband and wife. The reason is that love is a relationship of equality. In love, a man has to remain a little lower and raise the adversary’s charms. In contrast, the relationship between husband and wife is not equal. Quran is evident that in this relationship, the head of the house should be a man. The wife should obey him. Our society also recognizes the same principle.
Meanwhile, a young lady raised by watching movies and dramas expects the same love affair as it was before the time of marriage. Naturally, this does not happen after marriage. So the love relationship declines, and chaos begins.
Often men also abuse their power. They are only aware of their rights. They do not recognize their wife’s rights. They beat her whenever they wanted, stopping her from visiting her relatives. Disgrace her for her weaknesses and use foul language. Although the religion has demanded obedience from the woman, it has also made it clear to the man that they must adopt an attitude of benevolence and mercy. If they do not do this, they will appear as criminals in the presence of God. The education given by religion to the husband and wife, if both of them follow it, then the relationship between husband and wife is a relationship of love. Hatred will not be able to enter into it.
Following ethical principles
The reasons for family disputes are innumerable, but the real problem is that each concerned party violates moral principles. In our country, insulting people, making fun of them, suspicion, curiosity, backbiting, slander, etc., are not considered moral evils. If we ever analyze our women’s conversations with one another, most discussions consist of the same ills. These evils sow the seeds of hatred and discord in hearts, divide people and destroy families.
The above features are the causes that create differences between husband and wife. All the parties are so fixated on their ego and stubbornness that they try their best to disgrace others by crossing all moral limits, and in this process, they adopt all moral evils. After that, no one will be able to succeed in the hereafter.
The solution to this problem is that the scholars who teach religion should explain to the people that actual religion is the observance of these moral values, without which other good deeds of human beings also get wasted.
Law of Divorce
The last but not least crucial matter to state is that if things get so worse that the love in the heart finishes and the situation comes to divorce, the man should use this right according to the law of religion. I think the divorce procedure should be a part of schools’ curricula. Because of not being familiar with this method, many serious problems arise with no limits. All these problems keep coming in front of us day and night; people divorce their wives three times. Then keep asking from place to place that what to do now.
In this regard, the law of religion is so beautiful that heart instantly wants to praise it. Muslim people of all sects and groups believe this law is accurate and marriage should be concluded according to this. According to law, a man should first check if his wife is free from menstruation; if so, then the second point to check is if the sexual relationship between husband and wife has been established after last mensturation period. If so, then wait for another menstruation. Afterward, whenever the wife gets clean from menstruation, without establishing sexual intimacy, divorce her only once.
After that, the woman will remain in Iddat (waiting period) for three menstrual cycles. She must spend the Iddat in her husband’s house unless she is guilty of adultery. Otherwise, the woman will not leave the house, nor does the husband have the authority to evict her from the home. The period is about three months, during which there is hope that any misunderstanding or angriness will fade away. So during Iddat, if the relationship gets fixed, both can live serenely. That is known as “Rujoh” (which means to take her back or revoke). But if the husband is persistent with his decision after three months, then the wife and husband will get separated, and the woman has the right to marry wherever she wants. It should consider that whether it’s the matter of divorce or rujoh, it should be done in the presence of two witnesses (Al Quran 65:2) so that afterward, no partner makes a false statement.
After the divorce, if the man returns within three months, they can live happily again as a husband and wife. Furthermore, the same process must be repeated if there is a similar disagreement afterward. A man divorcing a second time can return within three months and live happily. But if a man gives a third divorce, then that man can’t take her back, and they will be separated forever. Except that the woman marries someone else (third person), and the third person dies or divorces her (Al-Quran 2:230) – (its called Halala).
That is the meaning of triple talaq in religious teachings. It is not that whenever a divorce has to be given, the word divorce should be pronounced three times with the tongue. According to the Quran, divorce should be decided only once at a time. The beauty of this divorce method is that the couple can stay together if the dispute is over in three months. After three months, the woman is free to marry wherever she wants. The most significant advantage is that even after a year or two, they can remarry and start life anew if they realize their mistake.
Unfortunately, divorce in our country means triple talaq. That is, the person who has to give talaq only says the word talaq three times, i.e., a violation of Allah’s order and a major sin, after which people do Halala or cry over it. However, if the method of religion is applied, then there will never be any problem. Whether the couple regrets the divorce or worries about the children’s future, in any case, they can live together. All the Ummah considers this method correct. Ahnaf (Muslim jurisprudence) called it Ahsan (a better method), and according to the rest of the imams, this is the Sunnah method. So every Muslim should know it. This procedure should be implemented if, God forbids, the issue of divorce ever comes. There will be neither shame nor regret, and a broken family can unite.