In human history, it has never been difficult to establish a marriage relationship between a man and a woman. Before the modern era, as soon as the man and a woman became adults, they got married. This situation existed for thousands of years until the Industrial Revolution came in the 18th century and completely changed the nature of human social behavior and economic problems. After which it became very difficult for men and women to establish marriage relationship soon after puberty. Thus, they were deprived of fulfilling one of their natural needs for a long time.
Intellectuals of Western society like Bertrand Russell etc. realized the gravity of this situation and drew attention to it. After which the West found a practical solution to this situation, which consists in the principle that human gender needs arise with puberty, while in industrialized societies, the economic stability which was required for obtaining education and employment and taking responsibility of the family, takes another fifteen to twenty years. Therefore, marriage should be postponed by relating it to the institution of the family and gender gratification should not be tied to marriage. For this purpose, it is necessary that sex between two unmarried persons without marriage should not be considered as a moral, social or legal evil and chastity itself should not be presented as a requirement before marriage.
In the 20th century, the West fully adopted this solution. This solution was not feasible at all, but became fully accepted due to many factors such as the removal of religion from the central place in life, the development of medical science and controlled reproduction, the economic stability of the state, the concept of equality between men and women, women becoming working women, the work of Freud and other intellectuals on psychology, the household limited to nucleus family, etc. Although this solution had serious consequences such as weakening of the family system, divorces, single parent and promotion of homosexuality etc. but there is no other concept in the dominant world that can replace this solution in the present era. As the Eastern civilizations are changing into industrialized societies, they are also adopting the same solution.
Muslim societies that are gradually entering the industrial age are also facing the same problem that the Westerners solved in the above-mentioned way. The main problem of the Muslim society is that they cannot remove the religion from their lives which does not accept any sexual relationship between a man and a woman outside of marriage and thus Islam is a complete obstacle to the Western solution.
However, it is a fact that solving this problem is very important. We can’t just go on for a long time without dealing with this issue. This is an unnatural behavior that will be strongly revolted against and people will move towards Western solutions like the rest of the world. If they have to leave their religion for that, they will not hesitate to do so.
This is the background in which a quarter of a century ago we wrote an article titled “Why has this blessing become trouble” which was published in Daily Jang. In it, a detailed analysis of the situation and a solution was proposed that instead of making marriage a social event, consider marriage as a basic human need and marry young people simply at a younger age (i.e. eighteen to twenty-two years). Similarly, instead of leaving the sisters alone whose age has gone past the marriage age, this issue should be resolved on the basis of the concept of allowing second marriage in Islam. So those men of mature age who are financially stable should support such women. Similarly, women who are economically stable should offer themselves for marriage, freeing men from their economic rights. Thus, many men who are economically backward will easily find themselves willing to marry her.
We are very happy that recently our brother Amar Khan Nasir has taken up this issue and made many important suggestions. We will discuss these suggestions in the rest of the article. However, our point of view in this regard is that whatever practical way is proposed to solve this problem, the fact of marriage relationship should always be kept in mind that this relationship is not the name of secret acquaintance or temporary sexual satisfaction. No family can come into existence by stealthy acquaintances, while those who meet for temporary gratification cannot take up the responsibilities that are required of men and women for the survival and stability of the family. Therefore, according to Islam, marriage is not the name of sexual relationship, but the process of forming a family. It is the formation of the family that, in exchange for taking responsibility, allows people to satisfy their sexual urges with the opposite sex. Apart from this, no relationship with the opposite sex is acceptable in Islam.
Another thing that should be kept in mind in this context is that the basis of reform in every law of Islam, including the law of Sharia, is the original religious call of faith and morals. It makes the individual accountable to God, to the concept of salvation in after-life and to the fact that the primary source of salvation is moral purity achieved through reformation. The status of law is secondary which is not effective without accepting this call to faith and morals.
After these two basic things, we will give our opinion on these proposals.
1) Mr. Ammar’s first point is that the role of parents and the constraints of the family system are the factors that make marriage difficult. Therefore, the role of parents should be that of a facilitator rather than a stakeholder. According to him, it is not possible to end the expenses that make marriage difficult by exhorting austerity.
This is correct, but the fact is that there is no way to change the role of parents, except through exhortation. The truth is that there can be some level of legislation to make marriage simple, but the role of parents cannot be reduced even by any kind of legislation. Therefore, there is no other way except exhortation.
More importantly, we know from the experience of the West that the role of parents in this aspect diminishes only when it becomes less and less in every aspect of their children’s lives. Even in Muslim societies, the modern age has taken the role of guardian from parents. Parents are also realizing that they should not interfere in the affairs of boys and girls like earlier times. Further reduction of their role would cause more harm than good.
More importantly, the role of the parents in making marriage difficult and expensive is as much as that of the boy and girl whose lifelong desires are tied to the rituals and ceremonies of marriage. Parents often go under debt to satisfy these aspirations.
Therefore, according to us, the real solution to the problem is that the attitude of making marriage the most important event of life and the biggest social event is not only wrong, but in fact, it is a great sin. Because of the extravagance that results from it, the Qur’an declares that its perpetrators are the brothers of the devil. Therefore, every person should be told that by extravagance in marriage, custom of Devil is followed instead of custom (sunnat) of Holy prophet (PBUH) which already is a great sin. As a result of this, participating in the crime of making marriage difficult means that as many people as possible commit adultery because of it, a portion of their sin will be on the married couple and those who do not marry, the married couple will be accountable for their patience.
In short, the real solution is not to reduce the role of the parents, but to bring it to the right place, so that if their children want to fulfill their desires, they should stop them from doing so and do not themselves contribute to this great sin.
2,3) Second proposal deals with allowing sex through marriage at the stage of higher education before assuming formal family responsibility. He is in favor of giving this permission even before moving of the girl to the husband’s house formally. This proposal will likely lead towards many conflicts. Especially for the girl and her family, it would be shameful in the current social context for a girl to meet her husband only for sexual satisfaction.
It should also be noted that, with few exceptions, sexual satisfaction is not a major problem for women as it is for men, nor is it as prevalent in women as it is in men. The main problem of a woman is home and family. She accepts all the responsibilities and restrictions of marriage to achieve the same. Why would she give a man what he wants when she is not getting what she wants? In the West too, this has become possible only when women have been considered fully independent economically and socially equal to their partners. With us, the first thing is not possible due to economic conditions and the second thing is not possible due to religious reasons.
In the same way, family does not exist without formally moving to the husband’s house. Mood swings are also common at a young age. In such a case, only the paper relationship of marriage can be torn like a paper at any time, as a result of which the boy and many more times the girl will suffer socially.
For all these reasons, in our opinion, this proposal should be amended that first the boy’s parents should take this responsibility and bring the girl to their home after formal marriage. If this is not possible, then all expenses of the present marriage should be eliminated. This amount is around five million in the middle class today. With this amount, the boy and girl can be provided with a rented house and the necessary necessities of life for many years. Other classes of society can also provide these basic needs to their children with the money spent on marriage.
Childbirth during this period can be delayed based on current medical science. Moreover, due to the advancement of medical science, it is possible that women can easily become mothers in their thirties and even in their forties. Therefore, children should be born only when the husband and wife are able to handle this responsibility fully. But it is necessary that they should be married at a suitable age which is twenty / twenty-two years for boys and eighteen / nineteen years for girls.
In this context, if the government, whose top priority should be public welfare, builds affordable housing schemes like hundred yard houses or studio flats, it will be more convenient for parents. This is what Mr. Amar has stated in the third suggestion which is absolutely correct. However, the ideal situation is that the boy’s parents keep the girl with them. Having just one girl in the house doesn’t make much difference, and nowadays middle and upper classes don’t have many children, and the lower classes won’t in the next generation either. Therefore, if one daughter leaves the house, another will come. No one will be overburdened.
4) Mr. Amar’s fourth suggestion is to discourage such relationships in which husband and wife are geographically separated. This is absolutely correct, but his second point, that by jurisprudential permission, intended separation marriage should be taken advantage of, is against the reality and spirit of marriage which we have explained in the beginning. Marriage is not an eternal relationship, that’s why the law of divorce exists in religion, but the intention of separation makes this relationship extremely unstable. As we mentioned that marriage is not the name of sexual gratification, it is actually the process of forming a family whose reward is sexual gratification. But when the intention is only temporary sexual gratification and break the family after some time, there can never be sustainability in the relationship.
Instead, we suggest that the wife should be sent with the husband in all cases. In this regard, the things mentioned in suggestion number two such as arranging a house from marriage expenses, delaying or minimizing the birth of children and help from small house schemes of the government should be taken. Where this is not possible, the man should marry a local woman or take the path of chastity. Modern means of communication and travel will make patience easier for him. Otherwise, in this world where there are other exams, some people will also have this exam. But the relationship with the intention of separation is closer to Mutah (temporary marriage) than Nikah and therefore not valid in our view.
5) Totally agree with the fifth proposal that the conditions of Rukhsati (departure to groom’s home) alimony and accommodation for self-supporting women should be abolished by mutual consent and marriage should be made acceptable. The polygamy should also be taken advantage of only with the condition that the first wife is ready to give this sacrifice for the sake of Allah. This is because in the society of the sub-continent where Muslim women are still socially Hindu in this aspect, for them second marriage means the end of first marriage, married life, family and her peace of mind. It is obvious that destroying the house of the first woman to settle the house of another woman cannot be a religious expedient. Therefore, without the will of the first wife, this solution will prove undesirable.
In this context, it is important to train men that they should do justice in all situations. It is also important to ensure the protection of the interests and rights of the first wife and her children who have sacrificed before establishing a new relationship. Every written and legal guarantee should be given for this. The husband who does not do this should not be allowed to marry again and the person who does not do justice after marriage should be punished by the court and the law.
It is hoped that these suggestions of ours and Mr. Ammar’s along with our article “Why has this blessing become a problem” published a quarter of a century ago, will definitely be successful in drawing the society towards the coming moral crisis and its solution. Otherwise, there is hope that it will attract other scholars and sociologists to this problem and become a means of coming up with better proposals. If this does not happen, we, like the West, should be prepared to fall prey to a culture based on adultery.
Note: The writings mentioned in this article, like the article of Mr. Ammar Khan Nasir and “Why has this blessing become a problem” by Abu Yahya have been published in the February 2023 edition of Monthly Inzaar so that readers can benefit from them.